Funny Quotes - "Shorts:"

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

• A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

• I have met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.

• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.

• The road to success is always under construction.

• A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

• If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

• Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

• Energizer Bunny arrested charged with battery.

• Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

• I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

• What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he aren’t gonna come.

• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

• Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

• The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.

• Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

• Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

• Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

• Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.

• If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

• The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

• It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

• A man in the house is worth two in the street.

MODERNIZED EVOLUTION OF MAN

MANAGMENT LESSON

JAMES MOG 007

We Both Have the Same Condition

please don't judge me.
cause i could judge you.
we can play that game.
it won't end well....but we can play that game.

don't think you're "better than me" because you haven't done something i've done.
I don't want to think myself "better than you" because you've done something i wouldn't do.

unfortunately i do judge you. not because i have the authority but because i want to feel better about myself. it's not right, it just happens.

we're both flawed

Imagine! What do you think about this?

YOU MAY KISS YOUR BRIDE!!

NO WAY I CAN'T LOSE MY CELL PHONE

COME AND HAVE A RIDE WITH ME

IT REALLY COOL IN HERE!

I CAN DO WITHOUT MY RADIO

MY RADIO

Utililizing Your Inner Strenght.

Willpower is the inner strength and the inner engine that moves towards
success and accomplishment. It’s the might that pushes into action in each area
of life.
Willpower is among the most of import and worthy inner powers, and its lack
or presence determines whether you’ll fail or achieve your wants and aspirations
and accomplish success.
Willpower is mistakenly considered as a quality belonging only to extremely
successful individuals, who depend upon strength and power to accomplish their
goals. The reality is that it may be developed by everybody, and it’s crucial,
useful and desirable in the little affairs of life, as it’s in the
accomplishment of major goals.
If you commonly feel too lazy, developing your inner strength will help you
to overpower this laziness. If you commonly dilly-dally, possess low
self-esteem, feel powerless and vulnerable or lack self-control, fortifying this
power will help you also.
Inner Power
Willpower, which is inner strength, evidences as the power to command
unnecessary and disadvantageous impulses. It likewise manifests as the power to
decide, abide by this decision, and follow it with perseverance till its
successful achievement. This power gives you the bravery and strength to endure
and overpower inner and outer resistance and resistance, troubles and
hardships.
There are several who lack the inner strength to state “no”. Other people
find it hard to follow and assert their ideas and notions. A few are afraid to
take action and make changes or they lack resolution and the doggedness to go on
with their plans to the end. A secure power of the will may alter all this.
It’s the right and privilege of everybody to formulate this power. Everybody
may develop it to a greater or smaller extent, depending upon the desire,
serious-mindedness, ambition and time devoted to formulating and fortifying this
inner strength.
You don’t require ultra- ordinary powers to formulate it. You don’t have to
sleep on a bed of nails, fast or stand on one foot for days, as fakirs do. The
concept that the development of willpower calls for you to get suffering and
physical mutilation isn’t honest.
Developing willpower and inner power is a gradual process that anybody may
undertake. A few will be able to accomplish higher levels of power, while other
people will accomplish different degrees of development, but the way is open to
all.
You’ll have to give up a few unneeded and harmful pleasures and alter a few
unhealthy habits, but this is for a higher good. You give up something adverse
or useless, in order to acquire strength and power that will help you in each
area of your life. As a matter of fact, the whole procedure may be turned into
an absorbing, gratifying and interesting challenge.
Training and exercising your willpower will fill you with strength, bravery,
and self-assertiveness. As your power develops, it will be simpler for you to
get rid of habits and attitudes that stand in your way to a more beneficial
life.
You’ll acquire inner strength that will help you at your occupation and
at home, in your relationships, with conducting your tasks and with achieving
your aspirations.
* How many times have you wished you had more
inner strength, self-control or self-discipline?
* How many times you lacked
adequate doggedness and inner stamina to follow your choices and plans?
* Do
you look up to and respect strong people, who have overpowered obstacles and
troubles and reached far, because of the inner strength they had?
Most individuals are not born with inner strength, but it may be developed
like any other skill.
Inner strength consists of willpower, self-discipline, self-control,
doggedness, detachment, the power to concentrate and peace of mind. These skills
are crucial and essential tools for success in all areas of life. They may be
learned and developed like any other skill, yet, despite this, only few take any
steps to develop and fortify them in an orderly way.
Here are a few drills to beef up your inner powers that utilize ordinary
day-to-day actions:
* Don’t read the paper for a couple of days.
*
From time to time, drink your java or tea without sugar.
* Climb up the
stairs rather than taking the elevator.
* Park you automobile a little
further away from you destination, so that you have to walk.
* Now and then,
choose not to watch one of your favorite television shows.
* Read a book
that’s useful and enlightening, but which you find tedious.
* Curtail your
desire to pick apart people.
* Detain your desire to retort angrily.
*
Attempt to get out of bed quickly on a low temperature day.
These are only a couple of illustrations to show you how you are able to
formulate your inner strength. By rehearsing these or like exercises you acquire
inner power, which you are able to utilize when you’re in need of it. By
rehearsing them, you formulate your inner muscles, just like lifting barbells
develops your physical muscles.

Tips For Better Sleep.

Tips For Better Sleep.

Feeling crabby lately? It could be you aren’t getting enough
sleep. Work, household responsibilities and child care can make sleep difficult
to come by. Factor in other unexpected challenges, such as financial worries,
layoffs, relationship issues or an illness, and quality sleep may be even more
elusive. You may not be able to control or eliminate all of the factors
that interfere with your sleep, but you can create an environment and adopt
habits that encourage a more restful night. Try these suggestions if you have
trouble falling asleep or staying asleep:
1. Go to bed and get up at about the same time every day, even on the weekends.
Sticking to a schedule helps reinforce your body’s sleep-wake cycle and can help
you fall asleep more easily at night.
2. Don’t eat or drink large amounts before bedtime. Eat a light dinner at least
two hours before sleeping. If you’re prone to heartburn, avoid spicy or fatty
foods, which can make your heartburn flare and prevent a restful sleep. Also,
limit how much you drink before bed. Too much liquid can cause you to wake up
repeatedly during the night for trips to the toilet.
3. Avoid nicotine, caffeine and alcohol in the evening. These are stimulants
that can keep you awake. Smokers often experience withdrawal symptoms at night,
and smoking in bed is dangerous. Avoid caffeine for eight hours before your
planned bedtime. Your body doesn’t store caffeine, but it takes many hours to
eliminate the stimulant and its effects. And although often believed to be a
sedative, alcohol actually disrupts sleep.
4. Exercise regularly. Regular physical activity,
especially aerobic exercise, can help you fall asleep faster and make your sleep
more restful. However, for some people, exercising right before bed may make
getting to sleep more difficult.
5. Make your bedroom cool, dark, quiet and comfortable. Create a room that’s
ideal for sleeping. Adjust the lighting, temperature, humidity and noise level
to your preferences. Use blackout curtains, eye covers, earplugs, extra
blankets, a fan or white-noise generator, a humidifier or other devices to
create an environment that suits your needs.
6. Sleep primarily at night. Daytime naps may steal hours from nighttime
slumber. Limit daytime sleep to about a half-hour and make it during
midafternoon. If you work nights, keep your window coverings closed so that
sunlight, which adjusts the body’s internal clock, doesn’t interrupt your sleep.
If you have a day job and sleep at night, but still have trouble waking up,
leave the window coverings open and let the sunlight help awaken you.
7. Choose a comfortable mattress and pillow. Features of
a good bed are subjective and differ for each person. But make sure you have a
bed that’s comfortable. If you share your bed, make sure there’s enough room for
two. Children and pets are often disruptive, so you may need to set limits on
how often they sleep in bed with you.
8. Start a relaxing bedtime routine. Do the same things each night to tell your
body it’s time to wind down. This may include taking a warm bath or shower,
reading a book, or listening to soothing music. Relaxing activities done with
lowered lights can help ease the transition between wakefulness and sleepiness.
9. Go to bed when you’re tired and turn out the lights. If you don’t fall asleep
within 15 to 20 minutes, get up and do something else. Go back to bed when
you’re tired. Don’t agonize over falling asleep. The stress will only prevent
sleep.
10. Use sleeping pills only as a last resort. Check with your doctor before
taking any sleep medications. He or she can make sure the pills won’t interact
with your other medications or with an existing medical condition. Your doctor
can also help you determine the best dosage. If you do take a sleep medication,
reduce the dosage gradually when you want to quit, and never mix alcohol and
sleeping pills. If you feel sleepy or dizzy during the day, talk to your doctor
about changing the dosage or discontinuing the pills.
Nearly everyone has occasional sleepless nights. But if you
have trouble sleeping on a regular or frequent basis, see your doctor. You could
have a sleep disorder, such as obstructive sleep apnea or restless legs
syndrome. Identifying and treating the cause of your sleep disturbance can help
get you back on the road to a good night’s sleep.

Facts....

You got some Swagger?
Better let ‘em Know!
You got some Swagger?
Better let it Show!



Courage is mastery of fear,
Not absence of fear!


Obstacles are what you see when you lose sight of your goal.


3 TYPES OF PLAYERS

1. Those who don’t know what is happening.
2. Those who watch what is happening.
3. Those who make it happen.



Don’t judge anybody before you check yourself out.
You are lucky when it’s your fault because you can correct the Situation.



Where there is no Struggle! There is no Strength.


A man can succeed in anything for which he has unlimited enthusiasm.


STUPIDITY should be PAINFUL!


Do what you can, where you are with what you have!


What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters co paired to what lies within us.


RULES OF DRINKING

Never drink to feel better, Only drink to feel even better.
Figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it.


You came which what hard for you.
And you will leave which is even harder.


Don’t do things halfway less you be half happy.

THOUGHTS ON KIDS BY SOME MOMS!!!

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat

word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching

them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years

telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids

do you want?

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,

despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like

shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every

 mother has it." -  Chinese Proverb.

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always

remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind

yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of

the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after

you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"

has never tried it.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is

a few minutes of their time each day.

16 SMILEY WAYS TO LIVE A 100 YEARS!..

Laugh more. A positive outlook on life will make you look and feel younger and even live longer. So SMILE!!!!  

Do some form of exercise 3-5 times daily. Take long walks, swim, run or find your way to a gym. If you are 60 years and above, you may exercise 3-4 times weekly for about 45mins- 1 hour each day.

Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar!

*Eat a balanced diet but reduce fatty foods. Avoid red meats; eat more white meat; (chicken and turkey) and fish.

Drink a lot of water, it has innumerable benefits. About 70% of the adult body is made up of water, replenishing yourself help to cleanse the system, improve bowel movement and rejuvenate the body, cells and skin.  

Eat loads of fruits and veggies. Instead of snacking on pastries and sugary stuff, snack on fresh fruits and vegetable salads. Make sure you have some form of fruit and veggies in every meal. 

As we get older, the body absorbs fewer nutrients such as calcium which is good for bone health. Therefore, take vitamins and food supplements that suit your age group.

Read books. Expand your knowledge. Broaden your mind. You can never know too much. You can also watch a nice movie or documentary to take your mind off things for a while.

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Take time out to reflect on the things you have done during the day and how you can make the next day better. Pray and meditate on God’s word as well.

Don’t waste your precious time and energy on gossip. It can be very exhausting! Call your family instead to see how everyone is doing. Stay in touch.

Quit smoking!!! Smokers are liable to die a painful dead….

Reduce your alcohol intake. Too much alcohol is not good for you health and it can dehydrate the skin. A short glass of red wine at dinner can relax you.

No matter how you feel or your present state of health, get up, dress up and go out!!! Go for that party, go visit that friend, go to the mall. You can even treat yourself; take yourself to dinner or go shopping. Life is too short for you to be a couch potato. So get a move on!!

Get enough rest each night. Sleep for at least 7 hours every night. Making sure that your television and radio are off and that your mobile phone is turned on silent is the path way to a perfect night rest.

To be in top health, make sure you get a routine medical checkup at least once in every two years.

Take time to travel out, away from everything, with a spouse or loved one. If you can not afford a trip aboard, go on a retreat to your country home or check into hotel for the weekend. Leave no number s where you can be reached.

Dance. Laugh .love. Be happy. No one is in charge of your happiness except YOU!

Funny Sayings

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Join the Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money!)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

I like work.  It fascinates me.  I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Facts

Human Body Facts


According to studies, men change their minds two to three times more often than women.




When you walk down a steep hill, the pressure on your knees is equal to three times your body weight.




Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is.




Humans blink over 10,000,000 times a year!




40% of all indigestion remedies sold in the world are bought by Americans.




Deep Breathing gives you health benefits similar to aerobics.




Each nostril of a human being register smell in a different way. Smells that are made from the right nostril are more pleasant than the left.




While 7 men in 100 have some form of color blindness, only 1 woman in 1,000 suffers from it.




Identical twins do not have identical fingerprints.








Food Facts






Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum!




The average American eats at McDonalds more than 1,800 times in their life.




Honey is the only food that will not spoil.




There is a giant mushroom in Oregon that is over 2,400 years old, covers 3.4 square miles of land, and is still growing!




In 2004, The Japanese Ice Cream Association promoted raw horse flesh ice-cream in hopes that it would boost the popularity of ice cream!






Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung!




25% of all the retail establishments in the U.S. are for eating or drinking.








Facts


Saturn's rings are about 500,000 miles in circumference but only about a foot thick.




On average, the life span of an American dollar bill is eighteen months.




Jumbo jets use 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off.




Rats can tell the difference between two human languages.




Dogs and cats consume over $11 billion worth of pet food a year!
.


Grenades were invented in China over 1,000 years ago.


In one day, a full grown redwood tree expels more than 2 tons of water through its leaves.




Only two in one thousand diamonds are considered truly colorless.




Over 50% of lottery players go back to work after winning the jackpot.




If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.




Each day, more than $40 Trillion Dollars changes hands worldwide.




There are over 58 million dogs in the U.S!




25% of all the retail establishments in the U.S. are for eating or drinking




Most burglaries occur during the daytime!




It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland!




Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar were both epileptic.




The Blue Whale's tongue weighs more than an adult elephant!




Karate actually originated in India, but was developed further in China.




Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.


In the great fire of London, in 1666, half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.




The New York Stock Exchange started as a coffee shop!




In New York City, approximately 1,600 people are bitten by other humans every year.




The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head!




In West Virginia if you run over an animal, you can legally take it home and cook it for dinner!




Actor John Wayne made more than 200 movies.




More than 6,000 people with pillow-related injuries check into U.S. emergency rooms every year!




The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people!




It is illegal for tourists to enter Mexico with more than 2 CD's!




41% of the moon is not visible from earth at any time.




A kangaroo cannot jump if its tail is off the ground.




The odds of being killed by falling out of bed are one in two million.




The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.




Americans will spend more on cat food this year than baby food




A cat cannot see directly under its nose. This is why the cat cannot seem to find tidbits on the floor.




Cats make over 100 different vocal sounds; dogs can make about ten.




The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons!




The heart of an astronaut actually gets smaller when in outer space.




Your brain is 80% water.




One punishment for an adulterous wife in medieval France was to make her chase a chicken through town naked.




One cubic foot of gold weighs more than 1,200 pounds!




Tasmania is said to have the cleanest air in the world.




A male baboon can kill a leopard.




French was the official language of England for over 600 years.

Facts And Funny Sayings

ADOLESCENCE

Adolescence is the awkward age in the life of a youngster. They are too old for allowance and too young for credit card.
Adolescence is the period when a young man can show you the best crop of hair he will ever own.



ADULTS

Adults are really not wiser than children; they are just more cunning.


ADVENTURE

When you are safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you are having an adventure you wish you were safe at home.
One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.




ADVERSITY

Adversity is the first path to truth.
Gold is tried by fire, brave men by adversity.
Man needs difficulties; the are necessary for health.
In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends.
Only a man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength.
Adversity introduces a man to himself.
There is no education like adversity.
Bloody noses are the best teachers.
Our strength often increases in proportion to the obstacles which are imposed upon it.
Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters.
The greatest sight in the world is to see a great man struggling against adversity.
The diamond cannot be polished without friction, nor the man perfected without trials.
Into each life some rain must fall.



ADVICE

When we ask for advice we are usually looking for an accomplice.
When a man asks you for advice you can figure he isn’t married.
Both medicine and advice are easy to prescribe but hard to take.
Never give advice in a crowd.
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties.
Advice is like the snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.
Don’t fight forces; use them.
When people ask you for criticism, just know they want your praises.
The man who builds to every man’s advice will have a crooked house.
Nothing is given so freely as advice.
He that gives good advice, builds with one hand; he that gives good counsel and example, builds with both; but he that gives good admonition and bad example, builds with one hand and pulls down with the other.
Whatever advice you give be brief.



AGE

Old age is when you find yourself using one bend-over to pick up two things.
The beauty of the old is the grey head.
No one is so old as to think he cannot live one more year.
Age is a sorry traveling companion.
When a woman tells you are age it’s right to look surprised! But don’t scowl.
The woman who tells you are age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.


AGGRESSIVENESS
Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might. (Eccl 9:10)
Not only strike while the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking.
You can not achieve anything without getting in someone way.
If you are the anvil be patient; if you are the hammer strike.

Fact and Funny Sayings

ABILITY


Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.
What one cannot, another can.
The greatest ability in business is to get along with others and influence their actions.
There is not need to show your ability before everyone.
Everyone excels in something in which others fails.
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else do the work.
Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a good carpenter to build one.



ABSENCE


I was court-martialled in my absence and sentence to death in my absence, so I said they should shoot me in my absence.
Heart soon forgets what the eye sees not.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Absence diminishes little passion and increases great ones just as the wind blows out a candle and fans a fire.
The absences are always wrong.



ABSTINENCE

It is easier to abstain than to restrain.





ABUSE


There is more credit in being abused by fools then praised by rogues.
Abuse is a weapon of the vulgar.
There are none more abusive to others than they that lie most open to it themselves; but the humor goes round, and he that laughs at me today will have somebody to laugh at him tomorrow.


ACADEMIA

The average PH.D. thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.




ACCIDENTS

The best insurance against car accidents is a Sunday afternoon nap.



ACCOMPLISHMENT

To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act.
Who begins too much accomplishes little.


ACCURACY


Even a stop clock is right twice a day.





ACHIEVEMENT


Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.
Every calling is great when greatly pursued.
When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion.
Don’t let what you can not do interfere with what you can do.
The harder you work, the luckier you get.
There is no such thing as a great talent without great willpower.
Three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first: hard work, second: stick-to-itiveness; third: common sense.



ACTING

1. Acting is a question of absorbing other people’s personalities and adding some of your own experience.



ACTION

Actions speak louder than words.
The best way to get things done is not to mind who gets the credit of doing them.
The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.
It is by acting and not by ideas that people live.
The shortest answer is doing.
Action makes more fortunes than caution.
Action takes precedence over study.



ACTIVITY


1. Lose no time; be always employed in something useful.



ACTOR

An actor is a guy who takes a girl in his arms, looks tenderly into her eyes, and tells her how great he is.
The only thing an actor fears more than losing is mind- is regaining it.
The one nice thing about actors- they don’t go around talking about people.