• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
• A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
• I have met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
• The road to success is always under construction.
• A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
• If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
• Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
• Energizer Bunny arrested charged with battery.
• Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.
• I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
• What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he aren’t gonna come.
• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
• Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
• The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
• Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
• Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
• Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
• If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
• The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
• It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
• A man in the house is worth two in the street.
